Reflective Listening: The Communication Skill That Can Transform Your Relationship
- Meghan Jerry, LMFT, CST
- 2 days ago
- 16 min read
This guide is meant as a quick reference for a communication tool called reflective listening between sessions. It’s not a substitute for therapy or crisis support. If you ever feel unsafe or unable to cope, please reach out to a crisis support helpline or call 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (in the U.S.). If outside the U.S.,
visit findahelpline.com.
Have you ever had the experience where you find yourself anxious for the other person to stop talking so you can say your piece? Have you ever felt confused when your partner keeps repeating the same point over and over, or feel like the two of you get stuck in circular conversations that go nowhere? Read on to find out more about how to stop these patterns.
One of the most important tools in cultivating and nurturing a healthy relationship is communication. Yet most of us aren’t taught how to communicate effectively. The clients I work with desperately want the people they love to feel heard, but often feel at a loss how to do that. Or they just want to feel understood without jumping to solutions. Reflective listening is a powerful communication technique to enhance the connection with your partner. This technique is wonderful for couples and romantic partners, it can also be effective with friends, family, colleagues, etc.; for simplicity, I’ll just use “partner” here.
What is Reflective Listening?
Reflective listening is rooted in Carl Rogers’ person-centered approach, and this exercise is developed through years of my clinical practice with clients. It is a communication exercise where you take the time to reflect, or mirror, your partner’s words and experience back to them before sharing your own. It allows us to focus on the present moment and prioritize connection, curiosity, and understanding over “proving our point” or “getting them to see it our way.”
We might consider it active listening 2.0. Most of us listen to respond—as soon as, or sometimes before, our partner stops talking we jump in with our perspective. Some of us can practice active listening—paying attention, using non-verbal cues to demonstrate we’re following the speaker. Reflective listening takes that and goes one level deeper—we are actively working to understand the emotion under our partner’s words and empathizing with them, then mirror this back to them allowing them to feel seen and heard.
When I teach this technique in session, I often give the disclaimer to clients to bear with me. It can feel very slow, almost clunky, at the beginning. Usually by the end of the session my clients are sold and hopefully by the end of this blog (and some practice) you will be too!
Benefits of Reflective Listening
There are many benefits to this type of intentional communication. Let’s take a look:
Reduce escalation of conflict. This process helps slow us down and stay present. Often when listening to our partner we accidentally lose the connection to their words and experience, shifting our internal focus to our feelings about their words or how we’re going to respond (I call this the “yea, but…”). Our partner can sense this shift and can subconsciously respond by intensifying their tone or volume, which of course then invites a defensive response from us. You can imagine how this can quickly escalate and get out of hand!
Quiet the mental noise. Many of us also engage in the bad habits of mindreading, projection, or making assumptions (and of course, we make negative assumptions!) about our partner’s thoughts, wants, or intentions. Unfortunately, we are often incorrect, and if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of this, you know it’s not fun. Reflective listening requires us to focus on our partner, getting our mental noise out of the way.
Reduce misunderstandings. When we’re more focused on our response, or engaging in the bad habits above, we set ourselves up for lots of misunderstanding. I’ve heard of clients having a whole argument, only to realize the whole thing was based on a misunderstanding from the very first sentence. So much hurt (and wasted time) that could have been avoided. Because reflective listening first makes sure we understand our partner before we respond, we can quickly correct misunderstandings.
If we’re in a particularly hurt place as the listener, we can also filter our partner’s lens through our, usually negative, lens. This can distort our partner’s message. I’ve seen clients reflect incredibly harsh words their partner never said convinced they reflected correctly. Our perception is a powerful thing! Reflective listening allows us to notice this less-than-helpful filtering and course-correct right in the moment.
Get a do-over. Sometimes we might share something in a moment of hurt in a way that is harsh or otherwise not how we’d like to speak to our partner. Reflective listening allows us to edit. When our partner reflects it back and we think “oof that’s not what I meant” we get the opportunity to try again by saying something like “Oh, that came out more harshly than I meant, let me try again please.”
Increase empathy. Even though it is tempting to look at every conflict as if we are the correct one who needs to get our partner to see it our way, the truth is when we take the time to really listen to our partner, their experience makes sense. Both of you are likely coming from a place that is tied to past hurts and longings. When we practice looking for what we can connect with in our partner’s words, rather than focus on proving our point, there is a world of intimacy waiting for us. It’s easy to empathize with our partner when we take the time to really understand where they’re coming from.
Diffuse reactivity. The slowness and intentionality of this approach also helps us diffuse our reactivity. Setting aside our perspective for a moment and really listening to our partner, who we love and respect, has a way of taking the heat right out of us.
Build intimacy & trust. Speaking of intimacy, it requires our vulnerability. For many of us, we haven’t experienced that vulnerability can be safely shared and received. For many, as soon as I start talking about vulnerability, they start squirming in their seats and eyeing the door. This exercise can help us take that risk into vulnerability in a contained way. Knowing our partner will first only listen and seek to understand us, we can take a deep breath and step into that tender vulnerable place. Practicing active listening and non-defensiveness creates a safe environment for both partners, fostering trust.
How to Use Reflective Listening
In reflective listening there is a speaker and a listener. Each person will take turns in each role until both partners feel heard, and if applicable, there is a resolution to the problem.
Note: Sometimes our partners want to just share their feelings and be heard, not for us to jump to solutions. If you want to learn more, I expand on this in the blog How to Talk to Your Partner (And Actually Feel Heard) (COMING SOON).
Basic Relationship Communication Skills
These ground rules apply to reflective listening and healthy communication in general.
Use I-statements, not You-Statements. We want to frame our words from our perspective, not make them about our partner. Speaking from our own perspective, in a respectful way, is an invitation for our partner to understand us. Whereas speaking from a “you” place is the perfect setup for defensiveness, conflict, and hurt feelings.
Example:
✅ “I feel disappointed and worried when you don’t let me know you’re going to be late.”
❌ NOT “You can’t even be bothered to text me that you’re running late. You don’t respect me or even care that I’m worried about you.”
Keep it short. When you’re the speaker, try to keep it to less than one minute. You can do multiple rounds to share everything you want to say, but if you go on too long your partner will get overwhelmed and will be more likely to shut down or get defensive (this is true whether using reflective listening or not!).
Avoid absolutes. Try to avoid words and phrases such as “always,” “never,” “every time,” etc. As soon as we use absolutes our partner thinks to themselves “that’s not true! It’s not EVERY time.” They stop listening and empathizing and are more likely to interrupt, correct us, lose connection to their empathy, and get defensive.
Skip the blame-game. Remember, the point of this conversation is to share our feelings and perspective and to understand our partner’s so we can connect and move forward as a team. This is not a win-lose scenario.
Be present. Focus on your partner’s words, and what might be below the words, without rehearsing your response. Don’t interrupt. Try to keep a warm or neutral face and relaxed body posture to express openness and safety for your partner.
Limit ad-libbing. While part of this practice can include tapping into the emotion under the words and offering that in our reflection, be careful not to add in too much of your own color. Doing so can shift the experience from it being about your partner to being about you. If this happens, your partner won’t feel heard and might accuse you of not listening.
(For a deeper dive on other communication tips check out the blog How to Talk to Your Partner (And Actually Feel Heard). COMING SOON
Instructions for Reflective Listening
The basic steps to reflective listening are:
1. The speaker shares their experience taking care to include their emotions, fears, hopes, etc. using the tips above.
2. The listener reflects, aka repeats, the speaker’s words, paying attention to capture their partner’s emotional tone (paraphrasing is okay, but take care to capture the tone).
Important: End the reflection with “Did I miss anything? Is there anything you’d like to add?”
3. The speaker then either thanks the listener, edits what they shared so the listener can reflect correctly if there was a misunderstanding or adds to their first statement.
a. If there is a correction or addition, the listener then reflects this as well.
4. Once the speaker feels heard, the listener responds. Take care not to just jump into defense mode here. You might want to ask clarifying questions or share your feelings about your partner’s words. Then you can help your partner understand your perspective.
5. Now the original speaker becomes the listener and reflects what their partner shared until they feel heard.
6. Repeat these steps until both partners feel heard and the conversation comes to a natural end, or it’s time to move on to solutions. Sometimes, we might need to pause the conversation or call a timeout. That doesn’t mean failure! It’s better to pause, regroup, and re-visit, than push past your bandwidth and end up in a tiff.
Note: If your partner doesn’t include feelings words in their statement, and doesn’t follow the rules exactly, your reflection can attempt to connect with the underlying feeling and bring the conversation back on track.
Example:
Speaker: You’re late and didn’t even let me know. I’ve been checking my phone non-stop. And I didn’t know what to do about the dinner I cooked.
Listener (Shorthand Version): Ah, so what I’m getting from this is that you were really worried about me. It was stressful to not know if I was okay and when I would be getting home. You also felt frustrated not knowing whether to start eating without me or keep dinner warm. I also wonder if you felt unconsidered or maybe even disrespected that I kept you waiting? Did I get this right?
Speaker: Yes, exactly. I was worried about you. I don’t think I felt disrespected per se, but yes, unconsidered. I’m sorry my tone was a little harsh there, I was stressed out. Thank you so much for listening. I love you.
Becoming (Longhand Version)
What I call Becoming is a special version of reflective listening. I consider it the longhand version and encourage you to start here when practicing. It’s especially useful when you and your partner are coming from very different perspectives. In this version, you start your reflection with “As [insert your partner’s name] I…” In this way you are becoming your partner and speaking as them. Hearing ourselves say our partner’s words as our own, we are more easily able to connect and empathize with their experience.
Tip: be sure to start the reflection with “As [insert partner’s name] I…” otherwise it can get a bit confusing when you add your response.
What I’m Hearing You Say (Shorthand Version)
Once you’ve gotten comfortable with Becoming, you can use what I call the shorthand version. This version is easier to incorporate into our daily lives. When it’s time to reflect the speaker’s words, you simply say something like “What I’m hearing you say is…” and then still end with “Did I get that right? Would you like to add anything?”.
You Make Sense to Me (Advanced)
If you’re up for it, let’s add an advanced step. After your reflection add a validating statement such as “knowing what I know about you it makes sense to me that…” This step deepens intimacy and allows your partner to be seen and known (something most of us crave). Here we are connecting what we know of our partner, their past, their pain points, their hopes to the topic we’re discussing. It is a powerful thing to tell our partner “you make sense to me.” Use this advanced tool gently and only when you feel confident about what you’re naming, for example, if your partner has already shared a similar example from childhood (we don’t want to assume or project here). Also, be sure to end it with “Do I have that right?” and be open to feedback if it doesn’t click with your partner.
Example Scripts
Before: Without Reflective Listening
The following is an example of how many of us might handle a tough conversation when we don’t have these tools (this example isn’t to mock anyone who might find this example familiar. No one teaches us how to do it differently. I’m so glad you’re here):
Partner A: You’re late. Again. I’ve been sitting here waiting for you. Enjoy your ice-cold dinner. Sure seems like I care more about you than you care about me.
Partner B: Seriously? I’ve been working all day, and this is what I come home to? Why do I even bother. [grabs a beer and storms off to the basement]
Partner A: Yea walk away like you always do! [cries while clearing the kitchen table]
After: With Reflective Listening
And now here’s an example of how this conversation might look when using reflective listening:
Partner A as speaker: When I’ve cooked a nice dinner and you come home late without even texting me, I feel frustrated. I worry about your safety and want to feel considered by you. I want to know if I should eat without you and don’t want to sit around waiting and wondering.
Partner B as listener:
Becoming/Longhand version: As [insert Partner A’s name] I feel frustrated when I’ve cooked a nice dinner, and I haven’t heard from you. I worry about your safety, if something has happened to you, and want to feel considered by you. I don’t want to sit around waiting and wondering and worrying, and want to know if I should start eating without you. Did I get that right or miss anything?
Shorthand version: Okay, so what I think I’m hearing you say is that you feel frustrated and worried when I’m late and haven’t let you know. Especially when you’ve prepared a nice meal and it’s sitting there getting cold. It’s hurtful. And it leaves you hanging, wondering if you should eat without me or wait.
Advanced: (adding at the end) Knowing what I know of you this makes sense to me. I know that you were often kept waiting as a kid for your parents to get home. It was scary and lonely for you. I can imagine you feel similarly when you’re waiting for me to get home, especially when I’m not home when I said I would be. It makes sense to me you’d feel this way, and I’m sorry for creating that. Do I have that right?
Note: This is not the time to explain your boss kept you late and it wasn’t your fault. This is the time just to understand your partner’s experience. We also aren’t jumping to solutions yet.
Partner A: Yes, thank you, that’s exactly right. No, I don’t need to add anything.
Partner B, responds: Thank you for sharing this with me. I didn’t realize it was having that impact on you, and it makes sense to me. I got held up in a meeting and was trying to get out of there, but I can see how it would be helpful for me to pause and shoot you a text. When I walk in the door and I can sense you’re upset, I’m not sure what to do about that. I wish you were excited to see me when I got home.
Partner A, as listener reflecting now:
Becoming/Longhand: As [insert Partner B’s name] I didn’t realize it was having that impact on you. It makes sense to me. I was stuck in a meeting and was rushing to try to get home. I can see how it would have been helpful for me to text you. When I get home and you’re upset, I freeze and feel disappointed you don’t seem excited to see me. Did I get that right? Is there more?
Shorthand: What I’m hearing you say is that you didn’t mean to hurt me and didn’t realize I’d be home anxiously waiting. You were rushing after a late meeting and didn’t text, but see how it would be helpful to let me know. You also feel sad when you get home and I’m grumpy. You wish I would be excited to see you. Did I get that right? Do you want to add anything?
Advanced: You know, as I’m thinking about this, it makes sense to me that you would freeze when you walk in the door and I’m upset. It must remind you of the tension between your parents. And I know you didn’t feel good enough for a long time. It makes sense to me you’d wonder if I was even happy to see you when you got home. I’m sorry. I want to show you how excited I am to see you, because I am, and it would help me do that if I wasn’t so worried. Do I have that right?
Partner B: That’s it, thank you for that. It feels good to hear. I don’t need to add anything, but I’m wondering how we can avoid this in the future.
Partner A: You’re wanting us to figure out how to prevent this from happening again?
Partner B: Yes exactly. For both of us.
Partner A: It would mean a lot to me if you could text me when you’re going to be more than fifteen minutes late. I would feel really considered, and I wouldn’t have to wonder, and could keep our dinners warm. I’ll also make an effort to greet you when you come home, I want you to know I’m happy to see you, because I am.
Partner B: I can absolutely do that and I will. And it would mean a lot to me. I’ve missed you during the day, and it would feel great to know you’re happy to see me.
Partner A: I am and I’ll make sure to show it. I love you. I’m so glad we talked about this.
Partner B: Me too—on both counts.
The conversation ends with smiles and a nice long hug.
Let’s Practice
Are you feeling ready to try it? Let’s go. Set aside some quiet time when you’re both feeling relaxed, well fed and hydrated (and not under the influence of any substance), without time pressure and interruptions. Try to be in a relaxing setting: in the living room, on the back deck, or taking a walk in the woods.
Favorite Memory
Start the first round sharing one of your favorite memories of your time together. Take care to incorporate your feelings about this moment. It’s easier to reflect feelings that are likely close to your own. Use the steps above until the first speaker feels heard, then switch roles and have the other person tell their favorite memory with the listener then offering reflection.
Step it up—Moderate Challenge
Okay, now let’s step it up a bit. Pick a topic that is a moderate challenge. So on a scale of 1–10 where 1 is your favorite memory, and 10 is the most painful, challenging topic you could discuss, pick a five.
Using the steps above, discuss this topic. You might notice it’s more difficult to reflect your partner’s words when their perspective is so different from your own. That’s normal! Practice taking a deep breath, setting your perspective aside, and remind yourself you will have time to be heard later.
I recommend starting with the Becoming longhand version. Once you’re comfortable with this method, you can practice with the shorthand version. You can do that in a separate practice session if that feels better.
Keep practicing!
Just like when playing a sport, we practice multiple times a week consistently so we’re ready in the heat of the game, we want to practice this skill consistently, so the foundation is strong when you and your partner have a difficult or painful moment to work through. Once you’re a pro at this technique you might find yourself using it on the fly in day-to-day conversations (this is great!).
Got Stuck? Troubleshooting
“It’s too slow.” Many of my clients struggle with how slow it is when we first start practicing this skill together. It’s true. It is much slower than the typical volley of conversation, and it takes mental and emotional effort to listen actively (and non-reactively) and then offer reflection in this way. However, I think in the long run it’s faster (and more enjoyable) than getting into an argument that may last hours or days or having to talk about the same issue multiple times because neither partner feels heard or understood. The payoff is also huge. Once you start communicating this way and get to walk away feeling connected and heard, rather than frustrated and disconnected, you’ll get hooked.
“It’s too mechanical.” Sometimes my clients say it feels mechanical, like their partner is just parroting back the words. The risk here is our partner can feel mocked, rather than deeply heard and understood. The goal of this exercise isn’t just to parrot back your partner’s words, it’s to feel into your partner’s words, to connect with their experience and try it on for size (remember the old adage, “walk a mile in their shoes”? That’s what we’re doing here). Take a deep breath, ground yourself, tap into a sense of curiosity and love for your partner, and try again. You can do this!
“I get distracted.” Some of us struggle with attention and distractibility. I’ve found this exercise allows me to stay more present and tune out distractions, but if you struggle it’s okay to ask your partner to break down what they want to share into bite-sized chunks.
“It’s too awkward.” Anything new is bound to feel awkward at first. Remember when you learned to ride a bike? If you’re anything like me, even the parked cars weren’t safe from me bumping into them. Talk about awkward! Try to be playful with it. Silliness and humor like “let’s try that weird reflective listening thing,” “whoops I lost the thread, could you say that again,” “I guess I won’t get an Oscar for portraying you anytime soon!” can make it feel like you and your partner are teammates in this awkwardness together.
“Help. We’re still stuck.” If you and your partner try using reflective listening and still find that you’re overwhelmed with strong emotions or can’t stop yourselves from interrupting it might be helpful to seek out relationship therapy with a licensed clinician to be able to practice this skill and add to your toolbox. A therapist who specializes in relationships can help. If you’d like, you’re welcome to reach out to me for a free 20-minute consultation.
Conclusion
Like caring for our home, healthy communication takes constant work, but it’s so worth it. We can create a home, and a relationship, that is our respite at the end of a long day.
The greatest gift you can give someone is the experience of being truly known. Reflective listening is how you offer that gift.
I hope this exercise brings you and those you love closer together.
When to Seek More Support
If emotions become especially overwhelming and you are unable to calm down or feel out of control, immediately contact a crisis support line or call 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (in the U.S.). If outside the U.S., visit findahelpline.com.
Learn More
I hope you’ve found this guide helpful. If you’d like to explore these skills further—whether in talk therapy sessions, or through advanced approaches such as ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy) or EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)—you’re welcome to schedule a free 20-minute consultation with me. I’m available in Doylestown, PA or virtually anywhere in PA. I’d love to hear from you.
This content is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional care. Seek medical or mental health help if you’re in crisis o
