Let’s Talk About…Consent
This blog discusses consent in the context of adult sexual relationships, including explicit language and kink. It’s intended for consenting adults navigating their own sexual communication in healthy, respectful relationships. If your relationship feels unsafe, please see When to Seek More Support at the end of this blog for resources.
There are a few things that are necessary for a pleasurable sexual encounter—communication, sensation, playfulness, lube—and most important, consent. Consent is a clear mutual agreement between partners engaging in sex (or just about anything). It is the thing that makes sex play (rather than something else entirely), ensures everyone involved is having a good time, and keeps the encounter safe (physically, emotionally, and psychologically). Sex therapists often say, “we can’t say yes if we can’t say no.” This means that a yes, not freely given, isn’t consent. Without the ability to say no and have it honored, yesses are meaningless.
Consent extends beyond the sexual. Consider having lunch with a friend. You ordered a small individual-sized pizza, they ordered a salad. You’re down to your last piece, still very hungry, and your friend reaches over, grabs the slice, and starts chowing down. How do you feel? Might you feel annoyed? You’re still hungry and it’s your pizza after all. If you had a large pie or were full, you’d probably be happy to share. But you’re hungry. If they’d asked, you might have offered to share the last slice or suggested you both go out for ice cream together after lunch. Their asking for consent allows for multiple opportunities for you both to get your needs met. Without consent, lunch can take a disappointing turn. Sex is the same way, but with much higher stakes. Consent is an absolutely necessary part of any sexual play.
What is Consent?
Consent is:
An enthusiastic YES! A clear (not implied), willing, resounding yes is required.
Note: It can be helpful to know that arousal, lubrication, and orgasm are involuntary bodily responses. On their own, they do not communicate consent.
Specific. A yes is to this, right here, right now, with you. It is time, place, person, and activity specific—if someone says yes to oral sex, it doesn’t mean they’ve consented to anal sex.
Negotiable, always, anytime. You can pause, stop, renegotiate, clarify, or leave/end what is happening at any time. Consent can be retracted by the words “no,” “stop,” or use of a safeword (see below). If action continues after this, it is no longer consensual.
Ongoing—both in a single interaction and in a relationship. We don’t consent to something one time and it’s considered blanket consent going forward. Consent must be present in every relationship from the first meeting to the last interaction. This requires intentional communication.
Granted. Do not assume consent. It must be granted, clearly.
An individual responsibility. Each person involved is responsible for respecting, maintaining, and communicating consent.
Freely given. Consent is only capable of being granted by someone who is fully capable (this includes not being intoxicated), fully informed (this includes knowledge of your partner’s STI status), and not coerced.
What Consent is NOT—Compliance and Coercion.
Consent is the gold standard for any sexual encounter, and relationships in general. We want to avoid compliance and coercion. Both undermine the trust and safety in a relationship. Coercion is not acceptable in any relationship, in any context.
Compliance is:
Going along to get along.
Conforming to or meeting an expectation or letting someone else choose for you.
Coercion is:
Being forced physically, verbally, emotionally, or psychologically to engage in behavior that is not desired.
A form of manipulation, control, or abuse.
How to Practice Consent—Tips for Success
Note: This section includes sample scripts. These are just examples—find language that feels natural and authentic to you and your partner(s).
The Importance of Context
Consent in various relationships such as hook-ups, dating, marriage/domestic partnership, a swinging encounter, or a BDSM scene may look slightly different. In a hook-up situation or first time with a new partner, we want to make sure to ask questions and obtain explicit consent. In a marriage, we must remember that consent is not given at the altar. Don’t take your partner for granted. Make asks invitational and negotiate play that meets everyone’s needs. In every sexual play encounter, and especially if engaging in BDSM, take extra care to negotiate the scene, use safewords, and take care to pay attention to your partner’s non-verbal cues (more on these concepts below).
Consent norms/scripts can vary across cultures. If you’re playing with partners from another culture, take some extra time to understand each other’s scripts to negotiate a style of play that works for everyone.
It is also worthwhile to consider how disability might impact consent practices. For example, we may not be able to rely on verbal feedback or certain non-verbal cues. Explore this with your partners. You can come up with a plan that is comfortable, and accessible, for everyone. Below there are some suggestions for safewords and safe signals (non-verbal safewords).
Overcoming Barriers
Sometimes people hesitate to ask for what they want because they fear rejection. Being a great sexual partner requires confidence and self-esteem. It also requires understanding that someone might not be “in the mood” to be sexual with you at a given time, or ever, and that isn’t a reflection of you. Not everyone likes mint chocolate chip ice cream, but it’s still delightful.
Many have a fear of being awkward. Awkwardness is a rite of passage when it comes to sex. Think about it. Sex is awkward—bodies do weird things, we can make funny faces or noises, things can go awry—get comfortable with the awkward, and amazing sex awaits you. Learn to be able to tolerate the occasional awkward feelings, even better if you can navigate them playfully as a team.
I’ve heard some folks say they’re afraid consent will feel too rigid or formal in the moment. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Consent can be incredibly sexy! Imagine your partner whispering in your ear, “I’ve been thinking of going down on you all day. Would you like that?” Pretty hot, right? See below for more about how to make consent sexy.
If you've felt this way before, you’re not alone. I blame the media (TV, movies, and porn). They show us passion—two people stumbling into an apartment making out up against the wall, clothes come off, they immediately transition to intercourse, have simultaneous orgasm, and cue the cigarettes! This is wildly inaccurate to how people have sex in real life. In real life, we have conversations about sex and practice consent along the way. Sometimes we have slow, awkward, clunky sex, sometimes fall off the bed or fart, sometimes (almost always, hopefully!) need more time and stimulation before penetration, sometimes orgasm at different times (or not at all). And it's all still great—as long as it's consensual.
Be Invitational
Get in the practice of asking your partner if they want to be intimate with you. You can negotiate what you’re both in the mood for in the moment or schedule a time for play later. Take care that your partner doesn’t feel pressured.
Offer Reassurance
Saying “we can stop anytime—just let me know” can put your partner at ease and build trust. If your partner wants to pause, stop, or not engage in an activity, reassure them it’s okay and thank them for letting you know. Do not pout, sulk, or get mad. This would be a form of coercion and has no place in a relationship.
Know When to Say No
Get to know yourself: your wants, needs, limits, and body signals. Our body often registers discomfort before our brain catches up. Practicing mindfulness, in and out of the bedroom, can help you learn to listen to your body.
Know your sexual boundaries. What do you really enjoy? What might you want to try? What do you know you never want to try or do again? Filling out a Yes, No, Maybe list can help you explore your sexual interests and boundaries (see below).
Communicate your boundaries in advance. Talk with your partner before engaging in any sexual activity. Share your likes, dislikes, and boundaries. Ask your partner about theirs.
How to Say No
Say it clearly and directly as a statement. (“I am not interested in making out right now.”)
Repeat the statement until the person stops, goes away, and/or changes their behavior (“I told you, I don’t want to make out.”). If we want to be a safe partner (we do, right?), don’t make your partner have to repeat themselves. One “Not tonight, honey” should be all we need.
In a relationship where we’re negotiating sexual intimacy frequently, it can be helpful to use an affirmation sandwich and offer an alternative that you are interested in. (“I love having sex with you. Right now I have a terrible headache. Let’s cuddle tonight and make some time for intimacy this weekend. I’d love to have some time together.”)
Pay Attention to Non-verbal Cues
Ideally, our partner is clearly communicating what they need, and in a timely manner so we can quickly course-correct. Because sex can move quickly and some folks freeze up due to past trauma, I recommend you practice attuning to your partner’s non-verbal cues. Are they relaxed? Are they making eye contact and moaning? These can be signs they’re having a good time. Or are they tense? Have a far-away look? Not engaging with you? These can be signs to pause and check in with them. When in doubt, check in.
Use Safewords & Safe Signals
A safeword is a word that expresses a boundary has been reached or crossed. It means stop action immediately and check in. It can mean “no,” “stop,” or “timeout.” A safe signal is a non-verbal safeword meaning the same thing.
Choosing a Safeword. Sometimes during sexual play, we might use the words “stop” or “no” even when we’re having a great time. “Don’t stop!” or “Oh no, I promise to be good!” (when engaging in spanking play) can be part of the play and not indicate a boundary has been reached or crossed. For this reason, sex therapists recommend folks use a safeword—even if only engaging in “vanilla” sex (no judgment there, vanilla is delicious!). A safeword is chosen intentionally, like “pineapple,” “potato,” or “Beetlejuice,” because it isn’t likely to come up in the scene naturally. You can also use the popular stoplight method (“green” is yes/keeping going; “yellow” is slow down, pause, and check in; “red” is stop everything now and check in). This way you and your partner(s) won’t accidentally confuse play language and consent language.
Safe Signals. There can be several scenarios when relying solely on a safeword is not safe (someone wearing a ball gag, loud music playing, a partner going non-verbal, or a partner who is hard of hearing, etc.) so having a prearranged safe signal, a non-verbal gesture, is vital. Some examples of a safe signal are squeaking a toy, shaking a bell, dropping a set of keys, tapping your partner twice (“tapping out”), squeezing your partner, grunting or humming, waving a brightly colored flag/scarf, flashing a bright LED light, using an easy-switch vibration buzzer, or raising an open palm in a “stop” gesture. If using the stoplight method, agree on what gesture corresponds to what colors. For example, one sharp tap is red, two quick taps is yellow, three slow taps is green.
Practice, practice, practice. When you’re first adding safewords and safe signals, I recommend you set aside time to practice using them. Make sure to discuss and agree upon your safewords and safe signals prior to engaging in play. Use the same safewords/safe signals every time to avoid confusion. Consistency will help everyone involved relax.
About every five or ten minutes, have one partner check in and the other responds with “green”/the green safe signal (if accurate; use whatever safeword/safe signal is appropriate for the moment). If there is no answer, the wrong safeword/safe signal is used, or if yellow or red is used, pause and check in. Alternate partners until everyone has practiced checking in and responding. This way you can catch issues early and build trust and comfort with this new system (and each other).
Important: Consent can change any second and can be retracted at any time; using a safeword/safe signal does just that. It is saying, “I withdraw consent right now.” Any action that continues after a safeword/safe signal is used is no longer consensual, breaks trust, and can cross into assault. Treat every use of a safeword/safe signal as a hard stop and immediately check in with your partner.
Get Curious
Great consent, like great sex, is all about curiosity. Ask each other questions to get to know your likes, dislikes, and limits. And keep talking! Our desires, needs, and limits change with time.
You might want to ask questions along the lines of:
Are certain parts of your body off limits? Do certain sexual acts or scenarios trigger post-traumatic response? If you are triggered, how can I best offer care in that moment? What other acts make you uncomfortable (being seen fully naked, eye contact during sex, etc.)? Do you have any medical conditions, injuries, or allergies that affect your sexual experiences? What kind of sexual aftercare do you prefer?
Consent Is Sexy
Talking about what we want in, and out of, bed helps us create a pleasurable experience for everyone involved. Ask simple questions as you move through the experience. Not only is this practicing consent, it can build anticipation, desire, and seduction.
Use phrases such as:
Can I touch you here? Do you want me to [fill in the blank]? Can we try [fill in the blank] together? I’d love to [fill in the blank], would you like that?
For bonus points, talk with your partner before engaging in sexual play about what phrases would really drive them wild (and share yours).
Share Fantasies
Ask questions to understand exactly what they envision in their fantasy, and if they want to act it out together (some fantasies are best left in our minds).
For example, if your partner shares they want to try being submissive, ask more about that:
Does this mean you’d like to be tied to the bed with some rope? What if I put a blindfold on you, would you like that? Would it turn you on if I told you how good you were being?
Use Dirty Talk
Dirty talk is a great way to check in during an encounter. I’ve heard some folks say they’re worried it would sound too rigid or formal to ask for consent during sex. It doesn’t have to! (Although sometimes being formal can be sexy too.) It is imperative we engage in ongoing consent during any encounter, but it can be HOT!
Turn up the heat and practice consent with phrases like:
Do you like that? Do you want more? Yes, right there! Don’t stop! Touch me here. I want you to kiss me long and slow until I’m begging for more. Mmmm, just like that. You feel so good. Harder, please!
Try a Yes, No, Maybe List
A Yes, No, Maybe List, also called a sexual menu, is a helpful tool to talk about our sexual desires, needs, and limits. It’s a great way to facilitate the curiosity I mentioned above. I often find my couples haven’t talked about their wants and they usually report not knowing where to start. Going through a list together can be a great starting point.
These lists are often divided into three columns: Yes (I’m into this or want to try it.), No (I do not want to engage in this activity.), Maybe (this might be something I’d want to explore with further conversation). I’ve written a blog and created a worksheet you can check out, Yes, No, Maybe: Creating a Sexual Menu (coming soon!).
Important: Keep in mind that completing a Yes, No, Maybe list is about building curiosity, getting some sexy inspiration, and supporting communication. It is not a consent contract. Just because your partner marked an item as “yes,” doesn’t mean they’ve consented to it or to surprise them with it in your next encounter. It means it’s something to talk about, and if you want to try it together, negotiate a scene.
Negotiate the Scene
A scene refers to the entire encounter and activities that take place. It’s a term borrowed from BDSM, but can include all kinds of play. Being fully informed is an essential part of consent. Part of being fully informed is knowing what’s about to happen during your sexual play. Talk through your expectations of your scene beforehand, discuss limits and boundaries in detail. This can be a fun way to build anticipation for any sexual encounter.
For a scene involving power play, such as Dominant/submissive (D/s), it is absolutely necessary to negotiate the scene in advance—even if the idea is of someone “taking control” of another—because we want to play with power, not actually take anyone’s consent away. Any type of power play needs to be a pre-negotiated, consensual act—full stop.
For some, the words “no” or “stop” may be part of consensual roleplay. If this applies to you and your partner, make sure that you have a safeword (see above) established before any play begins. Both partners, especially the person in the Dominant role, must still check in throughout the encounter. This is a great time to practice the dirty talk skills mentioned above.
Don’t forget to include aftercare in your scene! Taking some time to cuddle, take a bath together, have some pillow talk, or share a sandwich can be a wonderful way to end any sexual encounter.
Use The Wheel of Consent®
Dr. Betty Martin gave us a wonderful pleasure-forward tool for understanding consent, boundaries, desire, and communication, called The Wheel of Consent®. The model maps out dynamics of touch and interaction into four quadrants based on the questions: Who is doing it? And Who is it for? Each quadrant includes possible pleasure and possible harm (the shadow side) if taken to the extreme.
The four quadrants are:
Take: action to benefit yourself, “May I?”
Shadow side: perpetrator, stealing, groping, assault, rape, war
Allow: allow others to act as they want, “Yes, you may.”
Shadow side: tolerate, endure, doormat, pushover, victim, passive
Serve: action to benefit others, giving, “Yes, I will.”
Shadow side: do-gooder, rescuer, martyr, slavery
Accept: benefit from the actions of others, receiving, “Will you?”
Shadow side: freeloader, assumption of privilege, slavery, entitled
This model also focuses on The Art of Giving: knowing our personal limits allows us to give from generosity, without resentment or burnout, and The Art of Receiving: noticing and asking for what we genuinely desire, without complying to what we think we should want or what others want. This model is, of course, wonderful to use when exploring sexuality, and is useful for other areas of relationships such as everyday communication and building multiple forms of intimacy. It can also be helpful for navigating friendships, family dynamics, and professional settings.
There are several free resources on Dr. Betty Martin’s website for The Wheel of Consent® and The 3-Minute Game. You’ll find handouts and free videos. If you want to take a deeper dive, you can also read more about this concept in the book, The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent, by Dr. Betty Martin and Robyn Dalzen.
Final Thoughts
A good general rule of thumb when it comes to navigating consent: if you’re not 100% certain someone is consenting, they aren’t. Asking them outright for a clear and direct answer is the best way to be sure. If they can’t or won’t give a clear and direct answer, stop sexual play and transition to some other non-sexual activity or take a break.
With consent, everyone can focus on relaxing, having a good time, and pursuing pleasure. I hope this blog has helped you and your partner(s) create that space. If you have questions or need help discussing some of the ideas in this blog, an AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist can help.
I’ve written a lot about communication in this blog. Clear, kind communication is not only vital for relationships, but also in practicing consent. Sadly, most of us aren’t taught how to communicate well. I’ve covered many of the best communication tips in the blog, How to Talk to Your Partner (And Actually Feel Heard): Healthy Communication Tips.
Learn More
If you’d like to explore these skills further—whether in talk therapy sessions, or through advanced approaches such as ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy) or EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)—you’re welcome to schedule a free 20-minute consultation with me. I’m available in Doylestown, PA or virtually anywhere in PA. I’d love to hear from you.
When to Seek More Support
This content is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional care. Seek medical or mental health help if you’re in crisis or have concerns.
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE or visit RAINN.org. If outside the U.S., visit findahelpline.com.
If your relationship involves fear, control, or violence, these techniques are not appropriate to use on your own. Reach out to a clinician or a resource like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for support and safety planning.
If you ever feel unsafe or unable to cope, please reach out to a crisis support helpline or call 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (in the U.S.). If outside the U.S., visit findahelpline.com.
