The Pleasure Wheel: Create More Pleasure
This blog explores the difference between the Stairstep Model, a goal-oriented approach, and the Pleasure Wheel, a pleasure-focused approach to sex. If you think your sex life has become a bit humdrum and you’re ready for more fun—and more pleasure!—read on for some ideas on how to turn things around.
Ever feel like sex has become a bit routine? Or a bit pressured—like a pass/fail test? Do you feel like you just can’t be bothered anymore? While there are many reasons this could be happening, and I’ll explore them in future blogs, one big one is how you might be approaching sex. What is your routine regarding sexual and sensual play? Is it the same old thing every time? Sort of like running the bases kids joke about in school? Or are you thinking, “sensual? Play? It hasn’t been like that in years.” If any of this is resonating with you, you and your partner(s) might be approaching sex from the Stairstep Model.
Stairstep Model: Goal-Oriented Sex
The Stairstep Model (pictured below) looks like a staircase with each step representing a sexual activity. It has the following steps, starting from the bottom: kissing, touching/fondling, oral, intercourse, and orgasm (the top step). You start at the bottom and progress upwards. It’s sort of like “running the bases” that many of us heard at school as kids. There is often an unspoken agreement that “real sex” is intercourse resulting in orgasm. We call this hyperfocus on a goal, goal-oriented sex (clever, right?). While some couples don’t use all the steps, some omit oral sex from their repertoire, many follow this model without even realizing they’re doing it.
Even though it is incredibly common (especially amongst heterosexual partners), there are several drawbacks to this approach:
Autopilot Routine
Many couples follow the Stairstep Model so rigidly (even though it’s usually unconscious) their sex life is on autopilot. They initiate the same ways, engage in the same activities, in the same order, all with little to no communication. This can lead to autopilot, not only in the larger sense of how they approach sex in general, but also during each sexual encounter. They aren’t very connected or present. Doesn’t sound very riveting, does it?
Creates pressure. Since orgasm is positioned as the pinnacle of the experience, this goal-oriented view creates a pass/fail experience of sex and lots of performance pressure. Performance pressure has never once led to great sex.
All-or-Nothing Mindset
The Stairstep Model is progressive, it builds on itself, so I often hear couples get stuck in a pattern where if one partner doesn’t want to run all the way up the steps (meaning they don’t want intercourse or think they won’t be able to orgasm), they decline any sort of intimacy, even a hug or kiss. I frequently hear clients quote the terrible idiom, “don’t start what you can’t finish.” These folks don’t feel entitled to engage in any sensual or sexual play if they can’t get to the top of the steps. This is really limiting and creates incredible pressure.
This all-or-nothing mindset creates another type of problem. Sometimes partners enforce the “don’t start what you can’t finish” idiom by only initiating physical touch when “they want something” (that something is usually intercourse and orgasm). They sometimes also can become frustrated if a partner doesn’t want to “keep going” after physical intimacy has started or they push for more. Sometimes this is a result of cultural scripts, sometimes it’s a result of lack of education, but it often creates an element of pressure and coercion in relationships that can be incredibly harmful. Sex is supposed to be about fun and connection, this dynamic doesn’t create either of those things.
A third issue with this all-or-nothing mindset is that when couples experience difficulty with one step (say difficulty with erection, painful penetration, or in the post-baby recovery phase) they start to avoid the stairs altogether. When sex is setup like a pass/fail test, if we encounter any struggles at all we feel like failures and avoid it altogether. Even worse, because we don’t want to feel like a failure, we might put all the blame on our partner (even when no one is to blame at all). Yikes.
As you can imagine, all of this can be disastrous for a couple’s sex life. If one partner is often declining any intimacy and the other is applying pressure and we all feel like failures if anything goes “wrong,” sex becomes fraught quickly.
(If this is happening frequently in your relationship and to a level that leaves you questioning your self-worth and safety, please see the When to Seek More Support section at the end of this blog.)
Rushed Encounters
Because the model builds on itself and creates a goal (orgasm), folks tend to run through the steps, like skipping a rock across a lake, barely touching down. Intentional, mindful moments are few and far between, if they happen at all. This approach limits our ability to build arousal and connect with our partner. Pleasure is limited.
Can Be Boring
Is that too blunt? But let’s get real, doing the same thing over and over again gets a little…boring. While we all have differing needs for novelty, most of us need at least a little bit. The Stairstep Model can reduce our sexual encounters into a mindless routine. Combine that with the autopilot effect and the tendency to rush I mentioned above, we’ve got a setup for a pretty boring sex life. Life gets hectic as we get older. Tapping into a sexual headspace takes real effort. We have to put aside the never-ending to-do list, find the energy after a long workday and childcare obligations, find a way to feel sexual even when we’re sleep deprived and the house is a mess, and navigate older bodies which often means it takes longer to get around. Why put in all that effort for something kinda boring? Well, lots of folks don’t…and end up on my couch complaining they feel like roommates. That’s not a judgment, it’s just what happens if we let the Stairstep Model take over.
Creates Disconnection
Have you ever had a time when you’re so focused on getting to the destination that the road trip isn’t much fun? You’re stressed about traffic, rushing through bathroom breaks (or avoiding them altogether!), and generally are a bit irritable. Not much fun, right? Not for us and certainly not for anyone else in the car. Imagine the alternative. A road trip where the journey is viewed as part of the vacation, not just something to get through. Laughing and talking while in the car, relaxed pitstops to use the restroom (as many times as you want!) and checking out the local sights, being more relaxed about any delays. It feels more connected right? When we’re on the Stairstep Model, we’re often racing to the destination and not paying attention to our partners. We’re just going through the motions as it were.
Relies on Scripts and Assumptions
For many the standard cultural scripts don’t work. The typical script is that penile-vaginal intercourse is the only “real sex” and anything else is foreplay to get ready for the “main event.” The Stairstep Model prioritizes penile-vaginal penetrative sex, and for those with a vulva, that is not the most reliable (or even possible) way to experience sexual pleasure and orgasm. The head of the penis is the most sensitive, for folks with a penis, penetrative sex is consistently pleasurable and a reliable way to experience orgasm (notice that orgasm is the pinnacle step in the Stairstep Model). For those with vulvas, it is the clitoris that is the seat of pleasure. The clitoris doesn’t get stimulated in the way most people need during intercourse. These scripts also fail disabled folks and gender-diverse folks and folks who don’t like penetration. The rigidity of the Stairstep Model is not affirming or accessible for much of the population, and it’s harmful for the heterosexual penis-having population too (for all the reasons listed in this blog).
This means when using the Stairstep Model, many, many folks don’t get their needs met. What a bummer. Let’s let it go.
For a fabulous exploration of this topic check out Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters—And How to Get It by Dr. Laurie Mintz.
A note on “foreplay”: I don’t use the word foreplay in my practice and here’s why: the word foreplay implies something that comes before the “main event,” aka intercourse, which diminishes anything that isn’t intercourse. It’s literally defined by Merriam-Webster as “erotic stimulation preceding sexual intercourse.” By viewing sexual play in this way there is a tendency to view anything preceding vaginal intercourse as something to get through, an afterthought, a means to an end. The problem with this is two-fold (I could probably come up with more than two to be honest, but I digress): (1) We tend to then rush through those steps. We stop being intentional or mindful and just rush through these steps to get to the “real thing,” and (2) it prioritizes the most reliable pathway for sexual pleasure for only penis-having folks, not the rest of the population as mentioned above. This means a whole lot of folks aren’t getting much pleasure from the current status quo. So, let’s change the status quo. I encourage you to remove “foreplay” from your sexual vocabulary as well. All sexual play, as long as everyone involved is consenting and having a good time, is equal.
Low Sexual Satisfaction
If we’re having sex that is kind of boring, high-pressure, and less pleasurable than it could be, we’re on the path to experience pretty low sexual satisfaction. Low sexual satisfaction both negatively impacts libido (we don’t crave what isn’t satisfying) and creates avoidance.
Creates Avoidance
When we combine all of these factors it can create a LOT of avoidance when it comes to sex. Folks tend to avoid sex because it feels obligatory, they don’t want to disappoint their partner, they fear they won’t perform and don’t want to feel bad about themselves, they don’t experience pleasure, it feels too boring, it feels disconnected, on and on. And I can’t blame them.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could ditch all these limitations and approach sex another way? Luckily, we can! There’s a way to view sensual and sexual intimacy that has lots of benefits, and no limitations, it’s called the Pleasure Wheel.
Pleasure Wheel: Pleasure-Focused Sex
The Pleasure Wheel (pictured below) looks like a pie with each slice representing a sensual or sexual activity we want to engage in. Like real pie, we can divide into as many pieces/activities as we want. Luckily, unlike real pie, more doesn’t equal less pleasure (pie), it can actually mean more pleasure! The Pleasure Wheel is pleasure-focused; the whole thing is about creating an environment where sex is more fun for everyone involved. Yay! With the Pleasure Wheel we transfer the goal from orgasm to “having fun.”
There are many benefits to adopting the Pleasure Wheel approach, some of them are:
Equal Value
The Pleasure Wheel is inherently non-hierarchical—all of the activities have equal value. While we all have preferences (some activities are just our favs!), no sensual or sexual activity is inherently better or worse than any other. This model supports that mindset.
Flexible & Fluid
The Pleasure Wheel is especially useful for enhancing flexibility. As I mentioned above, with the Stairstep Model there’s a tendency to avoid all the stairs if one doesn’t want to climb to the top or if there’s a struggle with one of the steps (usually intercourse or orgasm since those are the “goal”). With the Pleasure Wheel, if one item is off the menu for the night, perhaps our partner isn’t in the mood for penetrative sex (or our bodies don’t join the party with an erection/lubrication), we can easily pivot to any, or many, other items. So, say one of you is unable to achieve an erection, never fear, you can simply pivot to oral sex or using toys or a full-body massage or showering together, or any activity (or multiple) from your Pleasure Wheel. You don’t need to stress, no one needs to feel like a failure, and maybe most importantly, the fun doesn’t need to end in a serious everyone-feels-like-shit moment (these are common with the Stairstep Model). The possibilities are endless when using the Pleasure Wheel! We can combine any number of activities in any order we want.
It’s also fluid in that we can move around the wheel in any way we want. There is no prescribed order, and nothing is more important or prioritized than another. You get to decide what you want the encounter to look like, and if the vibes or desires change in the moment? Easy! Just shift to another piece of pie.
All this flexibility and fluidity means reduced performance anxiety and makes it easier to adopt a “hey, we’re just playing here” mindset that makes sex a lot of fun.
Variable (AKA Not Boring)
Sometimes we go out to dinner and order appetizers, main courses, desserts, and drinks—the whole shebang if you will (Gotta love sex puns!). Sometimes we just want a quick bite to eat ordering a sandwich, or only appetizers. Sometimes we’re feeling decadent and go for dessert only, ordering a sampling of the most sinfully delicious items. Using the Pleasure Wheel, we can approach our sensual and sexual play along the same lines. We can “order” multiple items off the wheel, go around the wheel, focus on just one piece of the pie and really savor it, and everything in between. Sex doesn’t follow the same old (boring) routine we’ve been told to expect. It can be anything we want it to be!
With varied options, we can embrace the idea that sensual play is something enjoyable and worth pursuing on all its own. We can, of course, combine it with sexual activities if we so choose. We get to have choice.
Expanded Menu
As you can see from the example Pleasure Wheel above, there are many more spaces than on the Stairstep Model. Since there’s room for more options, you get to expand your definition of sex from just foreplay and intercourse to something more varied. With the Pleasure Wheel, you can slice the pieces of pie as thinly as you want so the options are infinite!
Sometimes folks worry that this approach means eliminating the stairstep activities—which are often their favorites. Not to worry! You can still have the yummy stairstep activities (kissing, touch/fondling, oral, intercourse, orgasm) on your Pleasure Wheel, they’re just organized and related to differently.
I mention the benefit of more options, but sometimes folks worry if their Pleasure Wheel doesn’t have dozens of options. That’s okay! This approach isn’t about shaming anyone if they have a few activities they enjoy. It’s not about the quantity of items on the wheel, it’s about how we use the wheel to create quality sex.
That being said, if you’re dismayed by how few items you’d put on your Pleasure Wheel for reasons such as lack of self-confidence, sensory issues, trauma, etc., it might be worthwhile to work with a sex therapist.
Less Pressure
When we combine equal value, variability, flexibility, fluidity, and more options we have a setup for way less pressure for everyone involved. Less pressure means more fun.
More Connection
Since you will no longer be rushing through the steps, the Pleasure Wheel invites more mindfulness when engaging in sensual or sexual play which leads to more connection. For most of us, more connection means more pleasure.
More pleasure. When using the Pleasure Wheel approach, you’ll no longer be operating under unconscious and unspoken assumptions. That allows you to talk more about what you actually want and then you can do those things. Adopting this approach also means more opportunities for pleasure for everyone involved. Sign me up!
Hopefully by now I’ve made a compelling case for why the Pleasure Wheel approach is more beneficial for your sex life. But now how do we actually use it?
Building Your Own Pleasure Wheel
Let’s create your own unique Pleasure Wheel. First, we want to begin with your own individual Pleasure Wheel (and your partner does the same). Then, we want to create your shared Pleasure Wheel. So for every two people we will have three Pleasure Wheels: yours, mine, and ours. Some items on the “yours” or “mine” wheels might not make it onto the “our” wheel because we only want to include items that are enjoyable to everyone involved.
But before we create the wheels, a quick note: this activity requires that you’re able to talk with each other about your sexual desires, boundaries, and curiosities. Most of us haven’t been taught how to do this. On top of that, many of us received sex-negative messages from our families, schools, religions, and society at-large. These negative messages can leave us with feelings of embarrassment or shame even acknowledging our sexual desires, much less trying to name them out loud to another person! If this applies to you and/or your partner(s), it might be worthwhile to take a quick detour to some of my other blogs to learn about communication skills, grounding skills, and since we’re talking about sex here, consent. If it feels like a particularly difficult task, it might be worth reaching out to a sex therapist for support.
Creating Your Pleasure Wheel
The basics of creating your Pleasure Wheel are as follows: sort all the erotic activities you can think of into three categories: red (don't enjoy), yellow (curious/might be willing in the right context), and green (really enjoy!). Only the green items go on your wheel.
To create your Pleasure Wheel, it might be easiest to start with the Yes, No, Maybe: Creating a Sexual Menu blog and my free workbook for an exploration of what to put on your Pleasure Wheel. The workbook includes lots of activities to choose from that you might want to add to your Pleasure Wheel. It also includes questions and tips on how to share your answers with your partner(s).
Once you have your “yes” items list, use it to fill in the blank Pleasure Wheel below (or the full-page version available in the workbook). You can also create your Pleasure Wheel on another sheet of paper if you need more space or want to be more creative (I’ve even had clients repurpose a Twister board and turn it into a Pleasure Wheel game board!).
Sex doesn’t have to be a staircase you’re racing to climb. It can be a table full of your favorite things, savored at your own pace, with no wrong way to enjoy the meal. The Pleasure Wheel is now another tool to add to your sexual pleasure and wellbeing toolbox. Enjoy!
The Stairstep Model and Pleasure Wheel concepts are inspired by Robert T. Francoeur’s Becoming a Sexual Person, 2nd ed. (New York: Macmillan, 1991).
Learn More
I hope you’ve found this blog helpful. If you’d like to explore these skills further—whether in talk therapy sessions, or through advanced approaches such as ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy) or EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)—you’re welcome to schedule a free 20-minute consultation with me. I’m available in Doylestown, PA or virtually anywhere in PA. I’d love to hear from you.
When to Seek More Support
This content is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional care. Seek medical or mental health help if you’re in crisis or have concerns.
If your relationship involves fear, control, or violence, these techniques are not appropriate to use on your own. Reach out to a clinician or a resource like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for support and safety planning.
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE or visit RAINN.org.
If you ever feel unsafe or unable to cope, please reach out to a crisis support helpline or call 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (in the U.S.).
If outside the U.S., visit findahelpline.com.
