Yes, No, Maybe: Creating a Sexual Menu
This blog discusses sensual and sexual play in the context of adult sexual relationships, including explicit language and kink. It’s intended for consenting adults navigating their own sexual communication in healthy, respectful relationships. If your relationship feels unsafe, please see When to Seek More Support at the end of this blog for resources.
Unsure what you like in bed? Overwhelmed at the thought of trying to talk about it? You’re not alone! Most of my clients come to my office never having spoken with their partner(s) about what they like in the bedroom. Many wouldn’t know how to answer the question even if their partner(s) did ask. Creating a sexual menu can be a helpful way to increase your understanding of your own sexuality, open communication with your partner(s), and expand your sexual/sensual repertoire.
Read on to learn all about this useful tool.
What is a Sexual Menu?
A sexual menu is a popular tool used in sex therapy. It’s basically just a list of the sensual and sexual activities you enjoy, dislike, or are interested in exploring, whether alone or with your partner(s). You can use a sexual menu to help you discover desires, fantasies, avenues for exploration, boundaries, and build intimacy. It is meant to be used as a pressure-free exploration and communication tool. While some folks may enjoy using it as a playful inspiration list, it is not a contract.
There are many different varieties available, or you could make your own. I’ve created a free one with plenty of guidance on how to use it. The possibilities are endless! Even if you use a template, you can add any items you want. The only limit is that everyone is consenting. Read more about the importance of consent and how to make it sexy in my blog post, Let’s Talk About…Consent.
Why is a Sexual Menu Useful?
When I bring up the idea of a sexual menu, some light up, but most of my clients look like they wish the floor would swallow them whole. If the thought of exploring a sexual menu excites or interests you, that’s great! If the thought of it makes your face go red and your stomach sink, read on to learn more about why it might be worth it to embrace that discomfort. If the thought of reading on fills you with absolute dread and panic, it might be worthwhile to reach out to an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist for support before you take the next steps. Why would it be helpful to do this uncomfortable and maybe embarrassing thing? Let’s explore it together…
Consider going to a new restaurant and not having a menu to choose from. If you know it’s a pub or Italian restaurant, you might have an idea of what’s on offer: burgers or pasta. But isn’t it nice to look through all the tantalizing options? And talk about them with your dining companions? Maybe even agreeing on multiple dishes to try? That’s the power of a sexual menu. It allows us to peruse some sensual and sexual options available to us to encourage exploration and communication.
Using a sexual menu as a tool can:
Reduce Shame
Even though sex is in our face in TV shows, magazine ads, etc., most of the messages we get about sex are downright harmful. Most of us haven’t been taught about sex from a pleasure perspective. Many folks struggle with sexual shame. Some have never dared ask themselves what they like, or perhaps they have, but the thought of saying it out loud to another fills them with embarrassment. A sexual menu gives us a way to normalize our desires and share them with our partner(s).
Shame can’t live in the light; it needs darkness and secrecy to thrive. One of the best ways to reduce shame, sexual or otherwise, is to do the brave work of dragging it into the light. When we can share our deepest, darkest yearnings with someone who can hold a judgment-free space for us, even if we are only holding that space for ourselves, we set ourselves free. We all deserve to be sexually free. Allowing ourselves to acknowledge and honor our desires sets us free; sharing our desires with our partner(s), in a safe and empathetic way, sets you both free. It creates a space where you can both be more authentically yourselves. And let me tell you, there’s no better feeling in the world than being your authentic self.
Normalize Interests & Desires
Another great way to reduce shame is to see that we’re not alone. And when it comes to sex, I can guarantee you’re not alone. You’re not alone in your struggles and you’re not alone in your desires. One of the gifts of the internet has been to let us see this clearly. There are articles, and blogs (like this one), and subreddits galore where people flock to learn about themselves and connect with others who are just like them. One of my favorite things about sexuality is that whatever you’re into, you’re normal (assuming we’re engaging in adult consensual activities). If it really turns you on to lick toes? Normal! Love a good ol’ makeout session and nothing more? Normal! Sitting on balloons ‘til they pop really gets you going? Normal! Using a sexual menu where some sensual and sexual activities are listed can be a great way to see clearly how normal you are (emphasis on “some” as these lists are by no means exhaustive). And if your favorite activity isn’t on the list? Add it on! If you’re still worried you’re the only one who likes that thing, give it a Google. You’ll see, you’re not alone.
If you’d like to read more about how normal you are, check out Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, PhD. It’s fantastic!
Clarify Boundaries
It can be helpful for us to know where our limits and boundaries are. This tool can help us clarify that. Just as importantly, it can help us communicate our limits and boundaries with our partner(s). When we’re engaging in sensual and sexual play we want everyone to have a good time. Knowing where the lines are helps us make sure we don’t accidentally cross them in the heat of the moment. If everyone involved knows where the lines are, everyone can relax into the moment and be more present. Doesn’t that sound more fun!?
Increase Self-Understanding
As I mentioned above, many have never even asked themselves what they like. They haven’t taken the time to explore it. There’s no shame in this. There are many reasons why someone wouldn’t have engaged in this type of exploration yet: growing up in a sex-negative household; receiving many sex-negative and shaming religious sexual messages; fearing that liking too many things or certain things makes them a “whore,” a “horndog,” a “sex addict,” or “just plain weird;” being afraid they won’t get or will be shamed for what they want. These are just a few of the reasons I hear regularly. Exploring a sexual menu can be the first step in asking ourselves, “what am I really into?”
Increase Understanding of Each Other
When it comes to having sex with someone else, sharing what we’re into is imperative in creating a mutually satisfying and pleasurable experience. And isn’t that why we’re doing this in the first place?! Using a sexual menu together can open conversations about what you both like in and out of the bedroom and how to possibly incorporate them into your play. And crucially, it can help us learn what to avoid so we don’t cause our partner any discomfort.
Expand Our Options
Have you ever been to the Cheesecake Factory? That menu is seemingly endless! Page after page of delicious-sounding items. An extensive menu makes it more likely that there will be something for everyone and every mood. A great sexual menu is like that. When we limit ourselves to a few sensual and sexual items, it can cause problems. What happens if we’re not in the mood for that specific item? Do we skip the play tonight altogether? What if we’re focused on penetrative sex but one of us experiences painful penetration or difficulty with erection? Do we end the encounter feeling disappointed or embarrassed? Having a robust sexual menu of items to choose from means that, just like the Cheesecake Factory, there’s a yummy item for every person and every mood. The more fun ways we have to experience pleasure, the better, right?
You can learn more about this concept in my blog post, The Pleasure Wheel: Create More Pleasure.
Build Intimacy
For many of us, emotional intimacy is a crucial element to enjoying great sex. Sharing your sexual menu, and creating a shared menu (the workbook walks you through this), can be a wonderful way to create emotional intimacy with your partner(s). Exploring all of your shared “yes” menu items can be a wonderful way to create physical intimacy with your partner(s). We also create intimacy and safety with our own selves by honoring and exploring our individual sexual menus.
Increase Pleasure!
The best way to experience pleasure in any sexual encounter, whether solo or partnered, is to know what we like and do that. Using a sexual menu can help us identify areas we’d like to explore, advocate for our wants, negotiate solutions with our partner(s), and experience more pleasure. Hell yes to that!
As you can see, there are many reasons why it might be worth it to embrace any fear of discomfort you might have to explore your sexual menu. I have faith in you that you can handle this! And if you want some help, you’re welcome to reach out. If you feel ready to keep going, here’s where to start.
Yes, No, Maybe: Your Sexual Menu Workbook
I’ve created a workbook you can use to create your sexual menu for free. Have fun with it!
This free workbook includes:
A full sensual & sexual menu covering touch, setting, communication, toys, aftercare, kink, nonmonogamy, feelings, and more!
Fill-in-the-blank questions on relational/emotional, preferences/fantasy, body/identity, safety/communication, and medical needs.
A guide on sharing your menu with your partner(s).
A guide on creating a shared menu with your partner(s) including questions and suggestions. Explore “yes,” “maybe,” differences, trying something new, and how to build your own Pleasure Wheel.
Sexual health & safety guidelines including how to use safewords & safe signals.
A glossary of terms that defines many of the less familiar terms.
Our sensual and sexual interests change over time, so revisit your menu as often as you and your partner(s) need.
Using a sexual menu can be an effective way to learn about your sexual interests and communicate them to your
partner(s). This can be a fun way to help you explore your own desires. You might even surprise yourself in the process! Our goal, as with any type of intimacy, is to create a safe, respectful, and enjoyable experience for all involved. After using the workbook, you’ll have a clearer understanding of your boundaries and desires, be able to engage in more meaningful conversations, and help create a culture of consent and respect.
Learn More
I hope you’ve found this blog helpful. If you’d like to explore these skills further—whether in talk therapy sessions, or through advanced approaches such as ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy) or EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)—you’re welcome to schedule a free 20-minute consultation with me. I’m available in Doylestown, PA or virtually anywhere in PA. I’d love to hear from you.
When to Seek More Support
This content is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional care. Seek medical or mental health help if you’re in crisis or have concerns.
If your relationship involves fear, control, or violence, using this workbook is not advised. Reach out to a clinician or a resource like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for support and safety planning.
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE or visit RAINN.org.
If you ever feel unsafe or unable to cope, please reach out to a crisis support helpline or call or text 988 (the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, in the U.S.).
If outside the U.S., visit findahelpline.com.
